So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
