i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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