I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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