either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
