i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
