I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
