Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
