I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
