I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
