i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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