could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
