you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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