just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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