fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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