dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
