dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
