OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
did i just pee glitter
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
