i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
