I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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