my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
