I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
