I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
