you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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