I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
