I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
