at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
