her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
