I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
