Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
