i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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