your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
