cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Everyone says I win the strip club
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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