sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
