Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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