oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
