her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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