Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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