An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
