You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
