I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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