I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i think my cat just said my name.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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