my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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