I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
