I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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