remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED