I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
