apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.