Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
