I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
