Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
