Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
