i was born a porn star she said
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
