went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
